20 years old and never been loved

20 years old and never been loved.

humans are social beings. i learned that when i was 11 years old. i was reading a biology book in my seat and my friend were rummaging her notebook for notes that we were supposed to submit that day. it was almost our first break. i underlined the sentence with my neon yellow colored highlight pen.

someone from another class asked me out through a text. my motorola buzzed after his first two texts. i said yes and we played hide and seek the day after. my friends cheered me on but they wondered why i wanted to be with him. he was funny and a little bit of a douchebag. he looked at me from afar after my first basketball match and his many many football matches.

my crush went out with my very own best friend after i asked her to get me together with him. days of messy snarky comments, unnecessary glares here and there, and friendship breakups. i felt betrayed. then come a pang of realization that it was one useless crush that i had. because friendship was all that mattered for me.

i had countless crushes after that.

i started to wish that i'm somehow special in some ways. i craved for validation. i wanted to be touched so bad that i lost sight of my own reflection. and so i carried on.

i was drowned, dumped in my own blindness.

that i believe

i don't deserve to be loved.

i am not worth of love.

when deep in the sea, my sea of covet,
my fingers long to be touched,
my chapped lips yearn to be kissed,
my legs crave for all the playful kicks,
my eyes are eager to be teased by the desire to be starstrucked like i'm the only blinking star left at the sky,

not like a 20 years old and never been loved.

i want to be like other people. to be able to love and not afraid to fall. to be able to step out of my league and try to gush away the fear of rejection. to be able to act like my self and be honest with it.

i want to be able to assure my self that it's okay to want things.

i want to tell you that i want you and you can want me.

i want to be the comfort after all those busy days you have.

i want to be the pillow you seek in every sense of being at home.

i want to be your only place to make you throw your pjs and nap around.

i want to be the only one you look at.

i want to be someone special, someone significant in your life.





i want you to look for me. not look at me. but look for me.

here,

i am.

The Ugly and Untold Story of A Woman's Irony

Bra straps are the new crime
Murder and violence are considered fine
There is no such thing as a stigma
It is only her fault, oh, her karma!

Of sacrality, of these people
The color red screams an oath
Of legality, of an example
The "appropriate" men-designed troth

Should she smile, she did not
And her only fear is the bigot
She would wear black on Sunday
As if they will not call her out anyway

Kimia

Jika inilah dunia
Dimana atom-atom terlahir

Jika inilah alam
Dimana para bintang menari

Mungkinkah aku mempunyai harapan
Mungkinkah aku mempunyai ekspektasi

Dari dunia yang terus berputar
Dari langit yang terus berlari

Bagaimana semesta
Bagaimana bumi

Dapat membuktikan,
bahwa kau indah,
dan aku telah jatuh untukmu?

Forbidden Love

His figure, a remembrance on my skin
For hoping the failure is my sin
His closure, for me only a lottery
For wishing your happiness is my misery

I was in my oblivion
I was in your limbo
So don't let the stars weep
It is my fault to oversleep

The warmth that may seem wrong
But feels so right
The love I want so bad
But must be forgotten

Jadi, bagaimana?

Bilurmu belagu
Ucap kamu yang paling hebat
Benak tahu segalanya
Sekarang jelasi makna ini

Bagaimana melepaskan badan
Yang tak pernah kumiliki
Merindukan paras
Yang tak pernah bermemori

Bagaimana ku bersikap
Terhadap diri sanak
Yang berbeda dunia
Berbatas garis merah

Mawar itu merah
Violet itu biru
Lantaran akal ini kah
Kita tak pernah menyatu?

Let You Know

Dear boy I'm here
I've been watching you the whole time
Let me tell you
You're the one I like
Oh dear

Dear boy I'm here
Your class is next to mine
I know your name
You're the one I like
Oh dear

Dear boy I like you
Notice me, look at me
Love is fun
I will let you know
As I whisper to you

Two is better than one
Be the Hawkeye to my Black Widow

Bukan Hidupnya

Hari ini yang saya lihat hanya langit
Lagi lagi langit malam, dan bulan sabit
Yang kosong tanpa hiasan
Hanya awan dan sedikit kesedihan

Bagaikan hidupnya yang kecil tapi luas
Bertaburkan penyesalan dan tak jelas
Berhiaskan luka yang tak pernah lepas
Bernyanyikan sekarung hembusan nafas

Jika langit kosong hanyalah sebatas langit
Apa maksud hati ini tidak bernadi?
Jika bulan sabit hanya dapat mengorbit
Apa maksud rasa suka ini tak akan berhenti?

Hari ini yang saya lihat hanya langit malam yang kosong
Seperti hidupnya yang hampa dan kopong

Innocent Hollow

Path that I used to pass
Eyes that I used to saw
No matter how strong
Pricked again, yes?

Hands up and kneel down
Not necessary, dear heart
Because this poor little heart-shaped ornament
Will never work again

If violets are red,
And roses are blue
It explains why,
I can’t love you

Because roses are always red,
And violets are always blue
Our love are worlds apart,
For me and you

Delusional Emptiness

So there is only one sky
What's up with those sky
Lack of tone, lack of sound
Wonder why it still ringing

Edge to edge she passes
Bringing a box of secrets
Can only be open by one key
Brave enough, isn't she

How stupid are two right words
Wandering around those sky
Why am I so stupid, she said
Why don't I realize it sooner, she said

There will never be a key
No, there will never be a box
And there will never be a me
Only a sky and that's why, I'm empty

Go Haywire

The ocean breeze
Is it broken?
Do you hear me?
No one knows better, no one will

Footfalls echo in the memory
Breath by breath
That toneless sky
The sky, towards the sky

As raindrops mix with tears
I cry, so painful
Things fall apart ambiguously
I lost, so painful

The ground breeze
Is this okay?
Where am I?
No one knows better, no one will

Don't Say Farewell

 
The tight rope that I'm walking
Just sways and lies
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Life goes on and on

How you feel unsteady?
Like a drizzle to a hurricane
I saw some pieces
Small pieces but full of flowers

If only we could float away
Fly up to the surface
And it gets so heavy
Fearless, mon ami

Don't close those book
Don't turn back those pages
Have faith
And the birds will be waiting

Xoxo,
@ginacendekia ☮