#SongsOfTheWeek

Blemishes, Freckles, & Cellulites

Is it good meeting me again after months busying my self with... my self? Recalling to what I have said in my previous post, it is a truly great feeling when you re-read your writings after a quite some time. I get to be reminded by my self various reasons on why this blog exists. These past few months, I have conquered the great majesty long semester break. I went home and reunited with my beloved cats. There were a lot of things that happened in those spare of holiday. I lost two of my cats. I passed the driving test and got my car license. I spent my birthday with my best friends. I also began campaigning the #bodypositivity rule of freedom.

According to WHO, approximately one million people die from suicide every year. Suicide is a serious problem, y'all. Suicide is now among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 (male and female). "Males are four times more likely to die from suicide than are females. However, females are more likely to attempt suicide than are males," as reported by Centre of Disease Control and Prevention. This is a sad fact: most young adults have thought about attempting suicide in many ways; whether it is through toxic relationship, self-destructive behaviors, and camouflaged beliefs. I will try to minimize our topic and explain why I began to join the body-positive campaign.

Sadly, most cases of suicide begin with the headline of depression. I questioned my self as I'm typing this, should I talk about my self again this time for a starter of this topic ahead? I, my self, have lived with a scary amount of suicidal thoughts in the past. Mostly during my high school years where I started to have my depressive episode. That's a long story to talk about that I have mentioned previously in a post months ago. One of the back factors why I had those is how I look like back then. I was (or probably still am?) insecure about how I look. I am insecure of my thick thighs; they are too fat to fit into my skinny jeans, said to be too distracting when I wear short skirt, looks too packed when I sit. I am insecure of my chubby hands; they don't look pretty when I'm writing something, they are too short, they looks like a man's hands. I am insecure of my puppy nose; my nostril looks wide, when I wear glasses it falls out my nose. I am insecure about a lot of things about my self. I began to think what if I weren't born like this. What if I wasn't born at all. I began to have suicide thoughts. It was a really dark time. I vomited a lot while thinking I could get prettier that way. I didn't get out of my room while thinking that I would look fairer. I destructed my self through this toxic way of thinking. As I grew up and met some internet pals - finding out I wasn't the only one - I learned to stop thinking that way.

It was a weekend in my semester break. My family decided to have lunch at my nephew's new house. It was also a celebration for their marriage and the house. All of my cousins came too. We ate plentiful Sundanese home foods. In the middle of the lunch, my aunt said, "You're getting quite.. fatter, aren't you, Gin?" and then, my other aunts followed this series of question and expression along that line throughout the meal. While some people might think that this is a normal conversation, this kind of question affects me in some way I am reminded of my past self. Your weight is just a number. True beauty comes from within! This is bullshit. In the USA, at least 1 in 5 deaths linked to suicide are people with obesity. People have this uncomfortable weighing pressure when someone talks about their physical appearance. I didn't feel good at that time. I didn't even finish my lunch. It was my favorite lunch: angeun lada. I just felt guilty for I have eaten that much calories. I stopped halfway and thinking that I should have just stayed home; made my own lunch. This is not okay, people. Stop talking about physical appearance. Some people might have a back story that is traumatizing enough to look back. While it is considered acceptable to compliment their appearance, it is never okay to state that their 'appearance is not how it is should be.'

I met this one online friend from twitter. I won't mention their name nor address their gender. Let's make this genderless so this story will apply to all genders. We have known each other for two years after a funny conversation about a South Korean boy group. And after a year of fandom friendship, they started to open up about themselves in real life. Where they lived, how they looked like, what their occupation are. They are not a type of person who'd open up about their life to strangers online but somehow they trusted me. They grew up in a normal happily ever after family. But what it looked like wasn't how they expected it to be. They feel pressured because their family wanted them to be out gorgeous and tall like a typical flight attendant. They felt hopeless since their height are under above the standard. Once, they confessed to their parents that they don't want to be how their parents expected them to be. Their parents ignored them for the next days. It begun. They started to attempt suicide for more than five times. They started to smoke a frequent amount heavily thinking it would end their life faster. Their parents found out and brought them to a temple in order to 'purify' their thoughts. They were forced to pray to Gods under their parents' order. They stopped the toxic behavior though. But it didn't work for their insecurity. Quite a while they would go out drinking alone at a bar, smoking, sleeping with strangers. Now you can learn how people's standards on a person's physical appearance take effect, right?

Why I joined and began campaigning body positivity?

There are people out there suffering from chronic depression that affects their daily lives because of this. People are marginalized throughout time by what society expect them to be, to look like, to live. People begin to judge other people's physical appearance because it is not what the eyes of sociey want to look. This is a chain. A toxic chain that needs to be broken off. We need to end this.

People die every day by comitting suicide just because they are not 'pretty' enough to live. They are not 'handsome' enough. They are not 'skinny' enough. They are not 'fair' enough. They are just.. not enough. Body positivism is not a selfish thought. It is not a campaign to brag our ego off Some people mistaken this often. It is a campaign to tell us that we are ENOUGH.

"Oh wow you love yourself because no one loves you that way, isn't it?"

"You won't get a relationship if you keep being that way."

"I think she is feeling herself too much."

"A real man doesn't look like this, bro. Work out!"

Honestly, just stop. Let's talk about this frankly.

A woman with some fat on her would be very much happier if she is not getting judged by wearing an S-line dress. She would feel pretty and proud of herself. Let the day start off with her and her flowery road of contentedness about her body. It is a beautiful world that way.

When I'm barefaced, I would be very much happier if someone doesn't start to comment about my grey eyebags.

My friend would be very much happier if people don't talk about how their family is a heir of Javanese beauty while he looks like Chinese because of his slanted eyes.

This campaign is about accepting our self. I began to accept my self as I'm campaigning this too. I, Gina Cendekia, completely opposing society standards on people's physical appearance (gender stereotyping is also toxic and a part of it.)

Listen to me.. I'm typing this with honesty and truthfully.. when you start loving yourself, it is the best satisfication you will ever get in your life. If you are the type of person who needs proof, I am the proof. I suffered from depression and some several bullimic episode in the past. Look at me now. I gratefully loving my self when I put 'self-care' as my priority. You matter. Your blemishes, your crooked fingers, your irregular teeth, your cellulites, your crepuscular ankle, your non-existent eyebrows, your thick lips, your skinny neck, your freckles, your short height.. they are just as equally beautiful as yourself as a whole.

When I began putting my self as a priority, accepting my self is a piece of cake. I love make up kits nowadays (people who have known me know this already). I wear my hair out for classes. I wear black anywhere. I put my dark purple lipstick for hanging out. I'm not as scared as I am before. I began to be brave to be who I really am. How I wanted to look like for a very long time. When people start to judge me for being my self I just think like, 'wow... you obviously don't know how I looked like before this' and shrugged it off.

My goal is to be content about my self. That is your goal too. It must be.

"Oh wow you love yourself because no one loves you that way, isn't it?"

Indeed, and oh, they will regret not loving me when I love my self.

Appreciate. Embrace. Love.

❀ ❀ ❀

You are enough.