Why I go back to Him

Because of my mother. My mom is the person who is always been there since day one. When all the people you believed you can trust turn into a bunch of hypocrites and leave you astray in the dark, she is the only one who'd rather make me a cup of tea than a cup of tiresome caffeine for herself. Recently, I got my illness back due to peer pressure I had to bear—notable thanks to college for that. I went to start seeing a doctor a year ago. Laid in my bed, vomitted out of nowhere, just right two hours to my birthday. I remember having someone wiping my face off with a warm handkerchief. It was none other my mom.

Long story short—as I don't want to cry while typing this post, my mom apparently asked me to go back to Him. She said she's scared of losing me, scared of something bad might happen, scared of time will not save both of us and this family. Of course I did really want to cry at that time but I joked it away. Completely laughed it off, "don't worry, mom. I will even pray for ten times a day!" Some things haven't been going well at the college with me lately. Yes, it's not about the academic stuffs. I do have fear while committing my effort on it but it's not as big as the worries I have in my circle of social environment. Some certain people have disappointed me. To put it simply, I trusted them, but all I got in return was bitterness. I used to think I could spend my college years with them. Now it has gotten to rot and dust. I told my mom about it—for the first time I opened up about my social issues—and she told me something along like, "You should leave them. You don't deserve people like them." Before making assumption about this, let me deliver an interesting fact about my mom; she never told me something like that before no matter how bad the problem I'm facing off. She'd usually tell me that maybe it's my fault or it's not a thing that is necessary to be thought about. So, I could make a conclusion that this time is real shit. My mom finally understood and wanted what is best for me. Once, when I got home, my mom greeted me with a hug and told me she cooked my favourite food. I was a little bit bewildered because this kind of thing never exactly considered to happen before. "What is it, mom? It's rare to see you like this." "Ah, nothing. I just thought that you deserve the happiness you were supposed to get."

God damn it, I love my mom so much I regret of every moments I yelled at her! The next week, I got through unimaginable hellish. The only remedy I could pull into was remembering where my home is. If I could express my feelings these past few weeks, I am going to say that I feel upset. I feel disgusted of these people who broke my trust. My wicked side would swear that I wish they would drive off the road and break some of their bones. My fine side would swear that they experience karma. I'm not a good person everyone wish themselves to be. At least, I have tried to be honest. My favourite line from my mom's lecture would be, "Shrug them off. Focus on yourself, focus on your growth." A growth is not always be that beautiful greeny sunflower getting showered by cute sky blue colored watering pot. Sometimes, it starts with undesirable affliction and hazy distress. Then, you get through of that storm and the gray cloud starts to disappear and all you are able to ponder is, "I know the storm won't last forever, after all." It makes me to think. I turned my back away from Him for too long. Good things happens MOST of time. Then, I started to think that maybe it was okay to 'take a break' from Him. But then again, when I remember my mom's touch and how my family believes in Him, I just want to thank Him for keeping my family in faith. Sometimes, the only thing that keeps my family going is that they believe in Him. Belief. Faith. Trust.

I have experienced many trust-breaking moments in my life up until this old. I thought maybe this time I could thank and appreciate Him again. I'm not your stereotypical easy believer. I'm one of those hardest devotee who likes to question the universe than "just believe in Him." I may not be one of your rebel that goes repent for Him. Just like how I did it back in my years of believing devotedly, I have my own way to believe in Him.

And that is to thank Him for keeping my mom safe and alive. Thank you.

State of Heart

Nowadays, I have spent some of my nights staying up to 3 a.m. wondering how does it feel to be in love. All of my friends have made it like a walk in the park. Met somebody, talked to them for a few months, and framed it official by the time they felt comfortable with each other. It's not rocket science I understand. To be frank, I want to experience things that way. I have always wanted to be that way at least once in my life! My ability to handle a relationship is like a can of worms. It's unnecessarily complicated. I have to talk with someone, pull-and-push them, and completely denying the fact that I *want* them to stay in my life. I feel like I'm a forest of muse that a distinct single soul would consider to cast off the woods. Every time me and the other person are already getting to the 'comfortable' zone, I tend to blow my own chill wind to give them false signals. I feel like I'm the one who ruins the house of cards. I would have blamed my unhealthy ball and chain. Once, I decided to ask my friends the how-to book on running a relationship in a more acceptable way. I followed everything by rules. I divined the manual. I failed. I found my self heartbroken at the end of the day. In all of my honesty, I have met 3 to 5 people that have a potential to build a romantic relationship with. So now, can someone give me a clue, what the hell is wrong with me? Is it my fault? Is it.. is it not the time yet? I don't have a good grip on this matter. Let me be selfish and talk about what I want. I want to find someone, talk to them, and it's not just me who's talking. I want to find someone, stay with them, and it's not just me who's staying. I want to be paid attention at least once by someone whom I look up to. I want mutual sense of belonging. I want to know how does it feel to go walking around the mall just for the sake of holding hands. I want to know how does it feel, how mesmerizing it is, to look at someone's eyes and feel like home. The question I have always been asking is, am I not good enough? Do I don't deserve love? The whole time I'm typing this, the one reason that keeps me questioning and wanting all of this is, I feel like I'm not good enough to feel that way. I haven't pass the standard of experiencing things my friends—people have done. Though I know deep down I feel like I deserve to be loved.