Nowadays, I have spent some of my nights staying up to 3 a.m. wondering how does it feel to be in love. All of my friends have made it like a walk in the park. Met somebody, talked to them for a few months, and framed it official by the time they felt comfortable with each other. It's not rocket science I understand. To be frank, I want to experience things that way. I have always wanted to be that way at least once in my life! My ability to handle a relationship is like a can of worms. It's unnecessarily complicated. I have to talk with someone, pull-and-push them, and completely denying the fact that I *want* them to stay in my life. I feel like I'm a forest of muse that a distinct single soul would consider to cast off the woods. Every time me and the other person are already getting to the 'comfortable' zone, I tend to blow my own chill wind to give them false signals. I feel like I'm the one who ruins the house of cards. I would have blamed my unhealthy ball and chain. Once, I decided to ask my friends the how-to book on running a relationship in a more acceptable way. I followed everything by rules. I divined the manual. I failed. I found my self heartbroken at the end of the day. In all of my honesty, I have met 3 to 5 people that have a potential to build a romantic relationship with. So now, can someone give me a clue, what the hell is wrong with me? Is it my fault? Is it.. is it not the time yet? I don't have a good grip on this matter. Let me be selfish and talk about what I want. I want to find someone, talk to them, and it's not just me who's talking. I want to find someone, stay with them, and it's not just me who's staying. I want to be paid attention at least once by someone whom I look up to. I want mutual sense of belonging. I want to know how does it feel to go walking around the mall just for the sake of holding hands. I want to know how does it feel, how mesmerizing it is, to look at someone's eyes and feel like home. The question I have always been asking is, am I not good enough? Do I don't deserve love? The whole time I'm typing this, the one reason that keeps me questioning and wanting all of this is, I feel like I'm not good enough to feel that way. I haven't pass the standard of experiencing things my friends—people have done. Though I know deep down I feel like I deserve to be loved.
