20 years old and never been loved

20 years old and never been loved.

humans are social beings. i learned that when i was 11 years old. i was reading a biology book in my seat and my friend were rummaging her notebook for notes that we were supposed to submit that day. it was almost our first break. i underlined the sentence with my neon yellow colored highlight pen.

someone from another class asked me out through a text. my motorola buzzed after his first two texts. i said yes and we played hide and seek the day after. my friends cheered me on but they wondered why i wanted to be with him. he was funny and a little bit of a douchebag. he looked at me from afar after my first basketball match and his many many football matches.

my crush went out with my very own best friend after i asked her to get me together with him. days of messy snarky comments, unnecessary glares here and there, and friendship breakups. i felt betrayed. then come a pang of realization that it was one useless crush that i had. because friendship was all that mattered for me.

i had countless crushes after that.

i started to wish that i'm somehow special in some ways. i craved for validation. i wanted to be touched so bad that i lost sight of my own reflection. and so i carried on.

i was drowned, dumped in my own blindness.

that i believe

i don't deserve to be loved.

i am not worth of love.

when deep in the sea, my sea of covet,
my fingers long to be touched,
my chapped lips yearn to be kissed,
my legs crave for all the playful kicks,
my eyes are eager to be teased by the desire to be starstrucked like i'm the only blinking star left at the sky,

not like a 20 years old and never been loved.

i want to be like other people. to be able to love and not afraid to fall. to be able to step out of my league and try to gush away the fear of rejection. to be able to act like my self and be honest with it.

i want to be able to assure my self that it's okay to want things.

i want to tell you that i want you and you can want me.

i want to be the comfort after all those busy days you have.

i want to be the pillow you seek in every sense of being at home.

i want to be your only place to make you throw your pjs and nap around.

i want to be the only one you look at.

i want to be someone special, someone significant in your life.





i want you to look for me. not look at me. but look for me.

here,

i am.